a Bowie birthday

At the weekend I headed down south for Eve's 30th - a birthday picnic and sports day style games in the park dressed as her idol Bowie (thank god she didn't choose her other idol Alice Cooper).

I wasn't sure how much effort I'd make, but getting ready at Eve's meant I got carried away and went full on with red hair and pale, bold make up. Eve looked ace and her boyfriend almost (but not quite) stole the show from her with his efforts in drag!

It was fun walking the streets of London in fancy dress, but the feeling of being coated in all sorts of crap got to me after a while so I removed it for the evening in a pub. (That and the fact that all bar one of my fellow Brooke folk dressed up and I'd sweated the majority off anyway).

I rarely catch buses in London but it was the easiest way to Eve's. I'm not too familiar with east London so I loved driving through Stoke Newington. I discovered so much more than I had before, with loads of cute cafés and vintage stores. Clissold Park, which we made home for the day, was lovely too with ponds, deer, a pretty house (complete with pretty bride) and lots more that I'm yet to explore. I just love London parks and feel like sometimes greenery is even more accessible in London than when actually living in the country. They're just the best at parks - and by they I mean the Victorian's!

So, in summary:

• I really, really miss having London on my doorstep
• The Brooke was perhaps the best decision I ever made, they employ the greatest people 
• I wish I could have been teleported into my bed with my baby in the morning
• I realise I'm leaving the London part of me behind - I forgot my oyster (again)
• I'm turning into one of those mums, you know, the ones that show pictures and videos of their babies and talk about poo. A lot. To people that came to an East London girls birthday. Enough said.
• I will consider spending more to buy an open return next time, or just come to terms with my body clock running three hours earlier than it used to
• I miss sitting next to Eve everyday and singing the Friday song
• I'm pondering opening my own re-fillable wine store up north

the routine - moving to the cotbed and big bath

Two weeks ago we moved Hugo into the cotbed in his own room. I felt really emotional. It was such a big step. I know all of the advice is to have him in our room for the first 3-6 months, but he was starting to outgrow the crib and it was waking him up when he hit the sides with his arms, or had them dangling between the rods. A few friends said that they had put their baby in their own room from 6-8 weeks, so around 10 weeks didn't seem too early. It also means that he wasn't too aware of his surroundings when we made the transition.

Because the nursery is so close to us it hasn't been a problem with hearing him, if anything it's good because I'm not quite as quick to jump up and make a bottle and sometimes he'll go back to sleep. That said, I have to be much quicker getting the bottle when he is ready!

He has slept much better since being in his own room - not having Adi snoring must help too! Sometimes he'll sleep for a 6 hour stint and other times he'll wake every 3-4 hours. To encourage the long stint through the night we've started waking him between 11 and 12 to give him a last nappy change and feed. This means that an average night now is sleeping from 8-11-5-8 - give or take.

He also outgrew the baby bath so at the same time we started putting him in the big bath. He absolutely loves splashing about, with no restrictions on the sides.

the routine - a few weeks on

Starting a routine when we did was the best thing we've done so far! Any sooner and it just wouldn't have worked, when he was a teeny tiny newborn he was sleeping more sporadically and it made sense for him to be downstairs with us in the evening until we went to bed. 

We started the routine just as he was able to take a little more food and sleep for longer stints. For the first week he was going down between 10pm - 12pm and waking twice during the night. We managed to put him down while he was awake to fall asleep on his own a couple of times but it was hit and miss. The difficult part of the routine was transferring him from me to the crib without him waking, and I knew that I didn't want to keep this up. We thought that the cold crib unsettled him after being in warm arms, so we decided to introduce the grobag (a sleeping bag for babies) - he was just big enough for it. 

The grobag is now my best friend! I put him down to sleep every night in his grobag and he'll settle himself to sleep without any cries! 

After a week we were able to move forward the time we put him to bed by a couple of hours, so he was going down between 8pm and 9pm. This was because we could see the signs of him getting tired such as rubbing his eyes and felt able to put him to bed upstairs and use the monitor to watch him. As he was now sleeping less in the day and more alert we could make sure he was tired out without having to go for a walk in the evening. We also tried blacking out the room by putting towels over the curtains (we do have a blackout blind to put up, but that's on a long to do list for when Adi's off work!).

He'd wake about 3 times during the night at first and this gradually reduced to twice and now it's often once. On an average night he'll sleep for up to 6 hours, then wake after another 3 hours and then will go down for another couple. 

Due to introducing the bottle and starting a routine Adi has done some night feeds so I've had more sleep and enjoyed a couple of baths without having to jump out to see to Hugo! Bottle feeding definitely has it's upsides! 

bottle feeding - the guilt

It took a while to settle into bottle feeding. There are lots of hassles as you can't simply put the baby to the boob and have an instantly satisfied baby! Instead there were the dos and don't of making up bottles to get my head around - how to heat them up, whether to keep them in a fridge in advance, use of a microwave, taking bottles out with me, sterilising, which formula to use, and so on, all while looking out for new signals of hunger to prevent unnecessary crying! 

I'd just settled in to it when I had a wave I guilt over me. At the mums and babies group some mums were breastfeeding babies older than Hugo. Although some were also bottle feeding, I just felt disappointed in myself. I hated sitting there bottle feeding and was thinking that I should have carried on and persevered. It wasn't as bad for me as for some people and looking back I had thoughts that I could've made it work. I was also thinking that it would've got easier, which is possibly true, but how could I ever know?!

The truth is yes I could perhaps have persevered, but would I have been happy? Would I have even made it to that group if I was as tired as I had been? Probably not. I wouldn't have had as many happy times as I've had I'm sure.

Before I breastfed I hadn't quite realised just how much is would stop me from doing as much. Not because I was afraid to breastfeed in public, I truly mastered that, but because of such frequent, long and tiring feeds.

I breastfed that night thinking I'd start it up again, but was instantly reminded of the reasons that I'd stopped. My boobs were very sore and starting to bleed, my arms were incredibly achy from trying to hold him in position to get a good latch, and he simply wasn't as satisfied as with a bottle and wanted another feed straight away.

Instead I thought I'd try to get as much expressed milk as possible so that I could at least be happy that he was getting breast milk. I borrowed a friends electric pump, but couldn't get as much as I did with a manual and realised that even with the manual I was getting a lot less than before. I'd just been so busy that my supply had diminished as I hadn't been able to keep on top of expressing.

So, to cut it short, my breast milk has pretty much dried up. I feel very frustrated at myself as I so wanted to breastfeed for longer, but I need to think of the positives and the healthy, happy little boy I have.

post-pregnancy recovery

Although I read a little about what to expect after birth, all of the focus was on the baby so it was easy to forget that my body would be healing. As I had a smooth birth and didn't need stitches, what I've experienced is probably the best possible scenario that most women must experience at the very least. 

I had a cut that needed time to heal, this meant that I had a horrible stinging sensation each time I peed. This cleared up after a couple of weeks. I didn't use anything apart from some hot baths and wet wipes after going to the loo, which were kinder to it than toilet paper. I did have a funny waddle to rival my pregnancy waddle, but I think getting out and about so soon helped the healing process.

Although I was quick to heal, everything was sensitive for a while. Luckily I peed very easily, (the motivation of going home from hospital helped) but getting other bowel movements going was more difficult. It felt like if I pushed I'd be putting pressure on everything that was healing. It meant that I didn't go until I really really had to over the first week or two. So, make sure you eat lots of fibre to help!

Bleeding is talked about more, but from what I read and was told I stocked up on lots of 'heavy' pads and was expecting a very heavy flow and bleeding for 6-8 weeks. Thankfully it was like a heavy period for a couple of days and then I'd say medium for a week. I then had another week or so if on/ off spotting which came in waves. When Hugo's was feeding more, it kick started it. By four weeks I had nothing.

After three weeks I was at my pre-pregnancy weight, but I was overweight at the time so still have some way to go! Although supposedly at that weight, it seems to be spread differently. My double chin has turned into a triple chin and although my stomachs always been big, it's a bit bigger, as are my boobs, naturally. Once I stopped breastfeeding the weight started to pile on again, so it's a challenge to start eating smaller portions as I'm now feeding for one!

The sensation of the uterus contracting back was wonderful, it ached a little but it felt like my body was becoming normal again! I also really enjoyed being able to lie on my front and hugging Adi closer without a bump! 

I didn't have stretch-marks throughout pregnancy but a few have appeared after birth. They are tiny and don't at all bother me. There is one mark which is more red in colour and I'm calling this my Hugo birth mark. It's a proud mark of having him inside of me and giving birth to him. I really hope other mums are proud if their post-baby marks too.

Aside from the stinging, the worst part of the recovery was coping with lower back pain while having to frequently lift Hugo in and out of a low crib. I'll definitely invest in a bed height crib next time. 

the little things - 6 week update

I'd intended to do a monthly update from now on, but it seems like a month is way too long to make note of the little things - half his life so far(!) so here's an update about Hugo between 4-6 weeks.

Sounds:

- his crying has become slightly more frequent, but still only when he's hungry and I don't get the bottle in time (he's having to be more patient than breastfeeding) or when he's windy and I can't get rid of it

- he's still snoring all of the time - I thought it may be a phase while he had a cold but it's definitely just him!
- when he's startled, he'll scrunch up his face and his bottom lip will come out, as if he's about to scream, but nothing comes out and he'll settle again - apart from the odd occasion when he's let out a slight whimper
- he's a very noisy eater, perhaps the reason for lots of wind as he breathes lots of air in

- he still absolutely loves singing and will follow me as I dance!
- I've been singing 'Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes' and 'If You're Happy And You Know It' while changing him, to get him used to body parts and 'Round and Round the Garden' and 'This Little Piggy'
- 'Happy' by Pharrell Williams is currently played a lot and so often in my head, but the songs are more varied at the moment. I've tried some nursery rhymes too but don't know the lyrics!

smiling to changing time songs

Movement:
- his smiles light up his whole face and eyes and he oos and aahs at the same time

- he still gets windy smiles too which are different, with more of a closed mouth
- when he's still half asleep and I pick him up he'll stay tucked up in the foetal position
- his head and legs continue to be strong and he can turn his head from side to side when on his front
- he loves being up on his feet
- his grip is very strong too - he can pull on my hair
- he's found his thumb, but doesn't suck it just yet
- he responds to me and Adi and definitely knows who his parents are! I was giving Hugo his bedtime feed, Adi came in and he literally let go of the bottle in his mouth and let out a massive grin when Adi showed his face!
- we've managed to put him down to sleep while he's awake a few times now, not every night, but the majority
- if we need him to be settled for any reason he'll fall asleep straight away in his swing seat
- he sleeps with his arms above his head, it's how we can tell he's fully settled
- he likes the bouncer seat upstairs, but not so much downstairs
- he still responds most to black and white patterns and shadows

standard sleeping position

Feeding:
- he's now on the bottle having gradually moved over to formula over the past week or so
- he's started to use his tongue to indicate he's hungry, rather than rooting
- it's sometimes hard to get the bottle in his mouth because he'll be eating his hands
- he holds the bottle or grips my fingers while feeding rather than his face (most of the time)
- he'll feed all in one go most of the time, with a wind in-between
- he is more windy, but will burp properly so doesn't get trapped wind
- he's often sick after eating, especially if laid down to change too soon after a feed
- he has less hiccups but still more than most!

hand in mouth

Changing and Bathing:

- he enjoys his nappy being changed now as he responds to my face and voice as I change him
- he'll now cope with being taken out of the bath so enjoys the bathtime routine

- his poos are explosive, as they are more built up and less frequent than the breastmilk poos
- we've had some poo incidents - in the bath, on the play mat and up his back

kicking about in the bath, but slightly cautious

Features:
- his face is filling out, so it's becoming more round, with less of a jawline
- he's getting a little fat on his skin, but still very thin
- his hair is almost all lighter now, just with a few darker bits around the side, as if he's had a bowl cut
- everyone says he looks like his dad, but that there is definitely a bit of me in him
- he's got incredibly dark eyes, I think they are turning from blue to brown
- he has a half smile that turns into a full smile
- all of the newborn size clothes have been put away as they no longer fit
- some of the 0-3 month clothes are massive and some are small, he'll outgrow the tops much quicker than the bottoms as he's got a long torso
- I love putting him in all-in-ones, they suit him the best

filling out and more alert

Hugo's first trip to the capital!

London is my spiritual home. I've been pining for it for months as I haven't been able to get down since December, the longest time I've been away since I moved there five years ago. I therefore jumped at the chance to go down for the day to celebrate my amazing sisters masters graduation. 

It was a very last minute trip so the only option was driving, not something I'd normally choose to do. I searched for parking online and found a fantastic website 'parkatmyhouse', which allows you to book a private parking spot. You can choose from thousands of locations dotted around the city. I chose one on Caledonian Road, right next to a direct bus to the Institute of Education, outside of the congestion zone and in an area of London that I was familiar with. I highly recommend the website, the particular spot (Carnegie St) and will certainly do it again. 

The first visit to London was bound to be a bit stressful but given Hugo was five and a half weeks old and we were both fairly new to bottle feeding, we did pretty well I think!

The first challenge was the bus rides. Hugo falls asleep when driving along, but the stop, start, jerky nature of the bus made it a bit stressful for him. Add extra delays, terminations and crowds due to a tube strike with a hungry baby and of course there was a lot of crying, but I think that was fair enough! By the third and final bus ride of the day he had got used to it and was very alert, taking in all of his surroundings. He even made a big, bald, tattooed man oo and ahh over him for the whole journey (lesson learned not to judge big, bald, tattooed men in future)! 

The weather was also that confusing spring transitional stage so I was feeling hot and bothered and Hugo seems to mimic however I'm feeling - if I'm stressed he'll he stressed, if I'm hot and bothered he will be the same and so on. I was able to change him into something light and cool and chuck a blanket off and on him which worked in the end.

As well as going to see my sister I popped into my old workplace - the Brooke, to meet friends and show my face/ introduce Hugo while I was there. It was great to have a comfy sofa where he could let off some steam and kick about, having been in either a car seat or a pram all day. I spent a good couple of hours there catching up with friends before heading to dinner with one.

I had so, so missed her. Going from sitting next to each other every day and sharing everything to living four hours apart sucks, but it was great to see her so, so happy :)

I don't think I could've done such a trip in a day (Leeds - London - Nottingham) with a small baby had he not been Hugo! He really is so good and having me as a mother means he'll have to get used to fitting in with my busy lifestyle! It also helps that I'm so familiar with London now, the drive wasn't at all stressful and we got home in record time. Chucking everything in the car 'just in case' also really helped ease the stress, knowing it was only a bus ride, so perhaps driving wasn't such a bad idea.

I'm already planning my next trip, but definitely not all of that in one day again!

an overload of induction tips

I've never written about what may or may not have triggered my labour (apart from the obvious of him being ready)..

Everyone, like literally everyone - male, female, parent or not, gives advice on inducing labour. There are more old wives tales on the topic than any other I'm sure. 

I know people mean well, but if I heard one more 'try having a curry' or 'drink raspberry leaf tea' I'd have screamed. For a start, whoever said have a curry or sex was male. Who in their right minds would want the possibility of a curry poo during labour and sex personally was the last thing on my mind. 

Anyway, so before I forget, the things that may (or more likely may not) have worked for me were:

• going for lots of walks
• swinging on the swings in the park
• doing lunges around the living room
• lots of rubbing in circular motions of the belly
• salsa/ Zumba dance moves

So what you'll gather is basically just keep active, but perhaps try to use muscles that haven't been used for a while - the dafter you look prancing around the house the better if my experience is anything to go by.

breastfeeding - my summary

We intended to mix breast and bottle for a while, but I was struggling with knowing how much milk he was taking and decided it would be easier to encourage him to get into a more manageable routine if we used just the bottle. As I'm finding expressing okay at the moment, I'm giving him the majority breastmilk with one formula feed a day. I'll gradually increase the formula over the coming weeks. This will also make it easier for me to go away for my first weekend without him when he'll be 12 weeks.

So, has breastfeeding been worth the emotional and physical roller coaster? In a word, yes. Focusing on and working at breastfeeding was my priority and I knew it wasn't going to be easy. Despite only solely breastfeeding for a month, he's had the best possible start and he'll continue to get expressed breastmilk as long as my milk supply allows.

The best bits:

• Looking down at my satisfied baby, knowing that we worked at it together - an amazing feeling.
• Post-feed cuddles with his satisfied face and the satisfied sigh.
• A special bond, lots of time for close contact.
• Sensing him stirring and putting him straight on the boob before there is any need to cry.
• Feeding on the go, not having to spend time and money on formula.
• Weight loss - it's really true what they say, I could feel my uterus contracting and I was back to my pre-pregnancy weight by week 3, still eating whatever I liked within reason!
• That's without all of the proven health benefits to both of us.

The bad:

• Establishing the supply - engorged boobs.
• Leaking boobs through breast pads.
• Cluster feeding taking up each evening - absolutely exhausting!
• Physically tiring from holding him up, arm and back ache. 
• No ability for someone else to feed and no rest for more than 2.5 hours between the longest feeds.
• Not being able to have a drink or leave Hugo!
• Feeding in public - trying to be discreet with huge boobs and a wriggly baby!

I didn't think I'd mind taking him off the boob, but I do miss the closeness and need to ensure we have some tummy time to make up for it!

starting a routine

Last night we started a bit of a routine. As Hugo is now over one month and we've switched to bottles (mainly expressed milk with the odd bit of formula) it's easier to manage how much milk he's getting and when, so it feels like the right time.

Yesterday I tried to feed every 3 hours and let him fall into a natural sleep routine by staying in the house so that he didnt fall asleep in the car. This was a challenge because his feeding has been so frequent until now so he wanted food much more quickly.

We managed a few feeds 3 hours apart and then the last one before bed was 2.5 hours from the previous. I did use a swing seat to put him to sleep when he was fractious in the afternoon, but he was awake for most of the day.

Our new bedtime routine is as follows:

8.30pm - evening walk or activity to keep him awake! (weather permitting)

9.30pm - stretch out on the play matt to burn off any energy

9.45pm - bath

10pm - bottle

10.20pm - storytime in rocking chair

10.30pm - sleep!

8am - woken up for day to begin!

At the moment I'm letting him fall asleep on me before putting him down. At some point I need to encourage him to fall asleep on his own, but I'll wait until the routine is more fixed. At that point I intend to use music to help too.

Night one went well, he slept from 10.30pm until 2.50am - the longest stretch yet and the earliest he's gone to sleep. He then woke at 6am but didn't manage a whole bottle so was up again at 8am.

Here's hoping we can keep this going and gradually increase the stretches between feeds and put him down to sleep earlier!

breastfeeding - the struggle

Breastfeeding really has been a rollercoaster that starts and stops, jerks forward and back with lots of upside downs along the way. 

Pre-tongue tie

Hugo was latching on well but he was feeding really frequently - up to 18 times a day! I coped through the days of building the milk supply, but on other days, unless we were out or he was asleep he’d want to do nothing but feed and the evenings were particularly exhausting. I felt like things should have calmed down so thought about how I could encourage him to feed less frequently and for longer each time.

I realised that he was falling asleep on the boob. I tried to wake him and keep him going so that he'd take more, but despite me trying to wake him and keep him going, he’d fall asleep and then want more not long after. I think he had to work doubly hard because his tongue-tie made it harder for him.

The bigger he got, the more difficult it was to keep him in a good position and he was also very wriggly, perhaps sometimes out of frustration. His latch also got gradually worse and I was constantly having to re-latch him. The more tired I was, the less mental and physical strength I had to constantly take him off the boob and re-latch him, so sometimes I'd let him feed with some discomfort. Because of this my nipples have become red and tender so breastfeeding has become more and more unpleasant.

I built up to the tongue-tie in my head and coped with the discomfort and exhaustion, hoping that things would improve after the tongue-tie snip.

Post tongue-tie

The doctor told me to re-train him to make sure he didn't fall asleep at the boob, but that's pretty difficult in practice! To start with I thought things had really improved as I was encouraging him to feed for longer, the latch felt good and there was longer between feeds, (apart from the first day of constant feeding to re-build the supply) however his latch soon went back to normal, as did his habit of falling asleep on the boob.

I feel like the tongue-tie snip came too late, as he was already in his own routine. I did everything I could to wake him but he went back to feeding little and often and his latch started hurting. I was becoming exhausted and didn't have the energy to hold him up properly and support him in a good latch. 

After a week of persevering after the tongue-tie snip and a month of breastfeeding, Adi and I decided that we should introduce the bottle for some feeds before I hit rock bottom. We intended to mix breast and bottle if he would swap between both, so that Adi could do the odd feed and give me a longer break to help with my tiredness and breast discomfort in the evenings. We also thought it may help us to ensure he had a good evening feed, being able to see the amount of milk he was taking.

He took the first bottle of expressed milk really well and went back to the breast very easily for the next feed so we will see how it goes mixing both.

the little things - reaching one month

It's incredible to see every tiny development before our eyes. It happens so quickly and as much as I can't wait for certain big milestones, I want to savour each moment! Here's some of those little things from two weeks to one month.

Sounds:

- he coughed and it came out as a laugh
- a couple of times he's sounded like he's giggling when catching his breath
- when Popa Need was describing a tinned/microwaved meal when he was working away, Hugo let out a 'urgh' sound, after being silent for hours - perfect timing
- snoring to rival his daddy!
- he's found his voice a little more, particularly since the tongue tie snip and can certainly let out a proper cry now!
- in the fourth week he's been much more vocal with lots more noises, moaning, grunts, oohs and aahs
- he is more alert to sounds which will make him startle or rouse if half asleep
- he's much louder on the boob, with a squeaky noise as he's sucking
- he's very noisy when pooing, often moaning, rolling around and grunting before with lots of farting and wet poo noises!
- he loves being talked to but even better, sung to - songs I've been singing include 'Edelweiss', 'Doh Ray Me', 'Kum Ba Yah', 'Twinkle Twinkle' and 'Silent Night' - probably not the right words and completely random!

concentrating on something...

Movement:
- he's even more smiley due to wind, but the smiles are starting to happen at other times-
- he can stand up when being held and push himself off you with his legs
- when he's overtired or hungry he will be very wriggly
- he can focus and follow us, looking into our eyes rather than just the eyebrows
- we've started to do daily tummy time and he can support his head and turn to the side
- he's incredibly strong when upright too, holding his head up
- he will happily lie on his play matt for up to an hour at a time
- the black and white patterns and light/ shadows are his favourite
- he's not so happy in his bouncer seat and won't last for long without being bounced
- when he's lying in the pram he'll put his arms out to steady himself
- he'll fall asleep in the car straight away - which has been useful at times!

focusing on the black and white 'Cookie cat'

Feeding:
- his latch is off and on and I have to support him very well to ensure a good latch
- if Adi picks him up when he's hungry he'll try to eat his nose
- in the evenings he'll get more trapped wind and can often be fractious
- he's been having lots of reflux too but it has started to calm down

the favourite winding position

Changing:

- he's a lot more settled having his nappy changed, unless he's really hungry!
- he now loves the bath, but hates being taken out of the water and put in the towel

- he'll often be sick while being changed, and will sometimes pee too

finally settled after bath time

Features:
- his limbs are still very long and he's thin but there aren't as many folds to fill
- the darker hair is falling out and the hair left is turning much lighter
- he still looks like his dad, particularly his mouth and eyes
- the shape of his face is more like mine and we think he's got my double crown

one of many happy and content facial expressions

breastfeeding - the gush

Just when I thought I'd cracked the colostrum, the baby had to re-learn everything when the milk came in as the density of my boobs and feel of the nipple changed. It was an incredibly difficult night, for hours no matter what I did, he could not latch.

The feeling of not being able to feed your baby, when you can see they are hungry is awful and incredibly frustrating. It tests your limits. I think Adi was ready to crack and if we'd had formula in the house we'd definitely have used it, but I'm so glad we persevered. I rang the F.A.B. helpline and they reassured me that I was doing everything I could and it was probably the tongue tie, which made Adi and I consider snipping it ourselves! 

In the end Adi was able to take the baby and calm him while I used a hand express pump (invaluable) to express some of the milk, which helped to soften them as they were rock solid, and get the flow going. I also had a sleep which gave me the energy to try again. When I did Hugo latched on straight away and fed well. To help me and Hugo, I was very conscious to remain calm and keep my heartbeat steady even when he was struggling and I was exhausted. Having the support of a partner was invaluable, as he simply wouldn't have settled had I not been able to pass him over away from the smell of milk at times.

I kept massaging the boobs between feeds to loosen them as they were hard and lumpy, and fed little and often (on demand) which helped to establish the milk supply. This stage was the most painful, but only the pain that all women experience as their milk is 'letting down'. 

Then, just as we thought we'd cracked the milk, it would appear that my body was just teasing. The milk comes in gradually and each feed is different from the one before. Suddenly my boobs were less hard and lumpy and just huge and soft, full of milk which was leaking everywhere! The milk flow was far too fast and too much for baby to cope with! I used the hand pump to express to help get rid of the access fluid to make it easier for Hugo.  For a good few feeds we seemed to have cracked it with me expressing a little before if I felt the boob needed releasing.

Finally, the milk flow settled and he got used to feeding without me needing to express before. By the end of the first week I was still taking it a feed at a time, but he was latching well and the milk supply had settled. 

breastfeeding - the colostrum

Just like my desire to have a natural birth, I had a real desire to breastfeed. Formula is a wonderful substitute for those who are unable to breastfeed, but if possible, I wanted to do what nature intended.

I myself have a weird relationship with milk. I have an intolerance to cows milk but do have the occasional goats milk. I'm not convinced we (humans) are designed to drink milk at all after our mothers. The idea of giving my baby something unnatural, unless I had to, was therefore something I didn't want to do when he was so little. 

That is until he starts teething, which is perhaps natures way of saying that he shouldn't be guzzling at my boobs for much longer! 

Although I knew that I wanted to breastfeed, the idea of a baby suckling at my sensitive, big boobs wasn't appealing. I was really unsure if I'd be able to get used to the feeling and was half expecting to give in at the first hurdle. Added to which, the copious amounts of stories about the baby not latching on properly and causing bleeding and bruising petrified me. Formula was always going to be a good alternative if I needed.

Because of these stories, preparing for breastfeeding became my main focus in pregnancy. It was the initial reason for attending NCT classes and my main reading topic. I am pleased to say that my research and determination has paid off (for now!).

I decided not to buy any emergency formula so that I wasn't able to give up easily. I ensured that I had the support of my husband and that we together would set out to try to make it work. In my head, if the baby was hungry and my colostrum had come in, surely there would be a way for him to feed. As a back up there was always a 24hr asda not far away in the worst case scenario!

Latching on:

While in hospital I struggled to latch the baby on, but with the help of the F.A.B. breastfeeding specialists and lots of different positions I managed to successfully feed. The research I did really helped as I knew instantly whether the pain I was feeling was normal or due to him not being latched on properly, because of the positioning of his chin and lower lip. 

As he was so sleepy on the first day, there weren't many issues as he didn't require much, so although I wasn't fully confident, we went home knowing that I had fed him and therefore should be able to feed him again.

The first night was difficult as the positions that had worked in hospital weren't working as well at home. I managed to feed lying on my side with him lying next to me, but then that wouldn't work the next time, I'd try the cross-cradle, but that wouldn't work again, rugby ball hold, same again and so on. 

He was also sicking up lots of mucus, which he would have swallowed during the birth, so over the first 36 hours or so he wasn't taking much down until he'd got rid of that. 

The midwife came the following day and I was really anxious. Although he had taken some colostrum it felt like he wasn't able to take all of the colostrum that he needed. Because you can't tell how much colostrum/milk breastfed babies are taking, the anxieties are heightened. 

The midwife helped position him and reassured me that the positions I was using and the latch were right, but discovered that he had tongue tie which could be restricting him. Because of this we hand expressed some colostrum and fed him with a small spoon to ensure that I knew how to do this if he wouldn't latch when the midwife wasn't around. 

The midwife meanwhile referred him to have the tongue tie snipped, which can take up to 10 days. (More of that in another post).

Later that morning one of the F.A.B. specialists popped round to see how I was getting on. She again reassured me that the positioning was perfect and he fed well. She also reminded me that his stomach was the size of a marble, so it may seem like not much was taken, but he was fine. 

The following day both the midwife and another F.A.B. lady came. I'd had a successful night of feeding and seemed to have cracked it but accepted their support anyway, as I was taking things feed by feed. The F.A.B. lady gave me a great tip to help him breath through his nose, which was to lift his legs high to ensure he was horizontal. The lady in the hospital had said to use a hand on the boob, but that had actually been hindering the latch, without me realising. Each woman has tips on what has worked for them and others they know, so it pays to accept all advice, whether or not it works for you. 

So, thanks to the incredible support of the F.A.B. breastfeeding charity and my midwife and husband, we cracked the first stage - colostrum, which meant that no matter what came next, he'd had the most beneficial first feeds. 

what's in a name?

Choosing a name for a child is a pretty huge thing! I had romantic ideas of names with meanings, using a family name as a middle name and a specific reason for the first name. What we've actually done is simply go with names we both love. 

Adi and I chose the name Hugo for a boy before we knew the gender. We had gone through lists and had a few options for girls, but Hugo was the only real contender for a boy. We like names that are intended to be names, but that aren't too popular. I've loved having the name Sasha as I've always been the only one throughout my life. As unusual names are becoming the norm it's more and more difficult to find a name that hasn't been used by a friend or relative. 

It's also hard to find a name without knowing somebody with it, which can affect how you view the name. I think this is the main reason I love 'Hugo' - because I don't personally know anyone called Hugo. The only things that come to my mind are a friends older brother, the Scorsese film, Victor Hugo and an ex cast-member of Made in Chelsea. It's safe to say he's not named after any of them, but if I had to choose one it'd be the author Victor Hugo for my love of Les Mis!

Once we knew the gender we were certain he would be Hugo and were able to refer to him by his name between each other. It helped to create a little personality in our heads and imagine him as a person growing inside of me. 

The next question was a middle name. Adi doesn't have a middle name but I do. I was determined for Hugo to have one and ideally would have liked a family name, but Adi wanted him to follow his tradition of no middle name. During one conversation Adi said 'George' and it just fit, instantly we both knew it worked and that was it. We'd both loved the name George, but as it is very popular, especially after the birth of Prince George, we decided it could never be a first name. It felt solid as a middle name, to balance Hugo which is more quirky. 

When choosing the name, not only did I check it went with our surname Pauley, (a lot of 'e' and 'y' endings were out of the equation) but I also checked it went with various professions so that no matter where life takes him, the name would suit. So, could he be doctor Hugo, builder Hugo, cricketer Hugo or something else - I think anything works because he will become his name and have a personality that goes with it!

life lately - paternity

One week paid paternity leave simply isn't enough. Adi had two weeks off, using annual leave for the second week, plus the weekend, making 16 days leave in total. For me it felt like two months, but for Adi it went way too quickly.

We're incredibly lucky that I didn't need much time to recover. We were out and about from 3 days after the birth and haven't stopped since! I can't imagine how people cope who have had caesareans or other complications which require more recovery, I guess that's when the support of family and friends is vital. 

I perhaps should've milked it a bit more and be waited on hand and foot, but I felt the more I did by keeping on top of housework and getting out and about, the quicker I healed, even if I did push myself to my limit somewhat. It also meant that Adi could be focused on Hugo rather than me.

We packed so much into the first two weeks, so here's a bit of a summary with some would haves/ could haves along the way.

First day:
On the lead up to the birth it's impossible to know who you'd like to visit you and when, as you can't imagine what it'll be like. Lots of people warned us that we'd be bombarded with visitors and that Adi should keep on top of it to ensure it didn't get too much for me. 

As much as we wanted time on our own, having my family around on the first day turned out to be fantastic. I knew I could speak my mind and tell them all to bugger off if needed, but having them around was a great support. 

I was high on adrenaline and couldn't contemplate resting, I just wanted to focus on the baby, feeding and relaxing. Adi was shattered, so while I had company downstairs, he was able to go and have a good sleep. I was cooked for and waited on, and managed to have a sleep while Hugo was in the best hands.

By the time my family left in the evening, we were rested and ready to go it alone. I couldn't sleep much that night, so if I hadn't had the 2 hours and if Adi hadn't had so much sleep we would have been exhausted, but that support got us both off on the right footing. It was also special to have my family there on the day he was born. Adi's parents also saw Hugo when he was a few hours old and his brother and family came the following day.

My top tip would be to try really hard to get some sleep during that first day. It can be tempting to just spend hours staring at the baby but you'll need all the energy you can to breastfeed constantly over the following days and weeks. On that first day the baby required very short feeds and not much else, so sleep and be woken by someone each time the baby needs feeding!

Visitors:

Each day onwards was filled with visits from the midwife, breastfeeding advisor's, family and friends. I was so proud and still had all of the endorphins flowing, so I wanted to show Hugo off to the world and didn't mind visitors at all. I knew all of them would take me as they found me and I was confident enough to breastfeed in front of everyone.

The only thing I would do is ensure there was time in-between visits and not too many in one day so that Hugo wasn't passed around too much. It didn't matter while he wasn't feeding much, but as the week progressed and his appetite increased, I was trying to juggle feeds with passing him around for cuddles, which stopped me from ensuring he had a proper full feed each time.

Too much, too soon:
The times that we didn't have visitors were great to chill out, but we also wanted to get out and about. While Adi was off, I wanted to go to normal places and do normal day to day things so that I could do trial runs for when I was on my own. 

On the third day we went to the White Rose centre to shop, then popped in to Adi's mums and back to ours for visitors. For the first trip out, I had totally overdone it. Because Hugo was asleep throughout the shopping trip, he'd been too long between feeds and wouldn't settle to feed at Adi's mums. We learned from this and I realised that I now have to go at Hugo's pace, not mine! That was hard over the first few weeks because feeds took so long and it seemed to be all I was doing!

Hugo's first two weeks:
By the time Adi went back to work we:

• had been shopping to the White Rose centre 
• registered him as a proper person in Wakefield
• had a baby photoshoot
• walked to the cafe in the village for lunch
• walked to the pub for a drink
• travelled to see family in Nottingham twice (due to a poorly Nanna)
• popped over to Adi's parents three times
• had a day out at West Bridgford Park (where I grew up)
• took Hugo to our friends house 
• ate out twice (Hugo's first Nando's and Pizza Express experiences) 
• had four visits from the midwife, three visits from F.A.B. breastfeeding charity and one visit from the health visitor
• enjoyed a picnic at Rufford Country Park 
• had visits from lots of family and friends!

So, I think maybe we overdid it a little, but I loved the chance to introduce Hugo to so many people and do normal things. Yes I was incredibly tired, but the hormones and endorphins helped. I was also sore but I just went at my own pace and had a bit of a waddle! I think doing so much has helped us to have a placid baby who is used to going here, there and everywhere.. or maybe it's having a placid baby that helped us!

(24th March - & 6th April 2014)

the little things - the first two weeks

Pictures can be wonderful to capture some moments, but they often miss the day-to-day, tiny details that I don't want to forget. 

Here is a list of the little things I've loved from Hugo's first two weeks:

Sounds:

- he rarely cries and just makes random cute noises as he stirs to be fed

- he let's out sighs, like 'oh my life's so hard' when he's had to work at the boob or is tired

- when he sneezes, both arms and legs lift up for each sneeze

- occasionally he will miss a sneeze at the end which comes out as a funny noise

- he gets the hiccups sometimes after feeding and looks so unimpressed

- noises don't wake him but when I coughed while he was feeding he cried for about a minute 

- I love just watching him sleep and make cute gurgling noises

sleeping with his hands above his head

Movement:
- the movement in his hands and arms is really expressive - perhaps a future pianist or dancer

- he smiles when he's windy and I've had glimpses of a dimple on his lower right cheek

- his eyes gradually focus and follow, occasionally going cross-eyed when there is too much to take in 

- sometimes one side of his mouth lifts up on it's own

- his grumpy face is so cute, with his nose and mouth scrunched up

- he gets bed head on one side when he's woken up

- he looks so chilled out when he sleeps with his arms above his head

pulling at his face during a feed

Feeding:

- before feeding he'll pant faster and faster
- he tries to eat his hands when he's routing for the boob
- if ravenous he'll shake his head from side to side when trying to latch on
- he grabs his face really hard when feeding, as if the harder he grabs the more milk he'll get

- when he comes off the boob he has a funny puckered face as his lips come over the nipple

- he will then head-butt my boob and use them as a pillow with a big sigh of satisfaction
- I love staring at his face as it changes from satisfaction to smiles and grumpy when he's windy

post-feed satisfaction

Changing:

- sometimes he hates his nappy being changed, but other times he is content

- at the moment he doesn't like a bath or being cleaned with water

- he often stretches out and concentrates when about to poo

- sometimes he will poo three times in a row (while Adi's on nappy duty)

- despite advice from mums of boys, we've still had peeing incidents while he's being changed

windy, smiley face

introducing Hugo

I can't quite believe that my son, Hugo George Pauley, was born 12 days ago. It feels like I've known every little minute part of him forever. I understand him and he knows who I am, responding to my voice. We have of course been creating a bond for 9 months, but I didn't really feel the bond with him fully until he was born. He's completely content with both Adi and I and there is a trust between us all, our little family.

The moment I looked down and saw him for the first time was indescribable. He didn't seem real and I couldn't believe just how tiny and delicate he was, yet at the same time how he could fit inside of me. It's a crazy feeling that we created him, a real human being! I thought I would cry, but I often don't in happy emotional situations. I just had an overwhelming feeling of love and protection and was on cloud nine, knowing that he was perfectly healthy.

Looking at him was like I'd known him forever. I wouldn't change a tiny detail and he was just perfect. He has a good head of hair which looks like it has been styled, neat ears, a cute button nose and long curly eyelashes like his father. His lip folds underneath with full lips like his dad's too. He's tall with strong hands and long legs ready to be filled out. His complexion is just peachy and he has a dimple forming on his right cheek - although perhaps not to rival mine. In every way he's just edible - a word that Adi doesn't like but many agree with me is normal as he's just scrumptious.

You can't help but try to compare him to Adi, myself and other family members - he's a little mini-Adi at the moment, but I can't wait to watch his features develop and see who Hugo becomes.

Date of birth: 22nd March 2014

Time: 5.03pm

Location: Pinderfields Hospital, Wakefield

Weight: 6lb11oz

doctor's check

first change at home

ready to go home