breastfeeding - the gush

Just when I thought I'd cracked the colostrum, the baby had to re-learn everything when the milk came in as the density of my boobs and feel of the nipple changed. It was an incredibly difficult night, for hours no matter what I did, he could not latch.

The feeling of not being able to feed your baby, when you can see they are hungry is awful and incredibly frustrating. It tests your limits. I think Adi was ready to crack and if we'd had formula in the house we'd definitely have used it, but I'm so glad we persevered. I rang the F.A.B. helpline and they reassured me that I was doing everything I could and it was probably the tongue tie, which made Adi and I consider snipping it ourselves! 

In the end Adi was able to take the baby and calm him while I used a hand express pump (invaluable) to express some of the milk, which helped to soften them as they were rock solid, and get the flow going. I also had a sleep which gave me the energy to try again. When I did Hugo latched on straight away and fed well. To help me and Hugo, I was very conscious to remain calm and keep my heartbeat steady even when he was struggling and I was exhausted. Having the support of a partner was invaluable, as he simply wouldn't have settled had I not been able to pass him over away from the smell of milk at times.

I kept massaging the boobs between feeds to loosen them as they were hard and lumpy, and fed little and often (on demand) which helped to establish the milk supply. This stage was the most painful, but only the pain that all women experience as their milk is 'letting down'. 

Then, just as we thought we'd cracked the milk, it would appear that my body was just teasing. The milk comes in gradually and each feed is different from the one before. Suddenly my boobs were less hard and lumpy and just huge and soft, full of milk which was leaking everywhere! The milk flow was far too fast and too much for baby to cope with! I used the hand pump to express to help get rid of the access fluid to make it easier for Hugo.  For a good few feeds we seemed to have cracked it with me expressing a little before if I felt the boob needed releasing.

Finally, the milk flow settled and he got used to feeding without me needing to express before. By the end of the first week I was still taking it a feed at a time, but he was latching well and the milk supply had settled. 

breastfeeding - the colostrum

Just like my desire to have a natural birth, I had a real desire to breastfeed. Formula is a wonderful substitute for those who are unable to breastfeed, but if possible, I wanted to do what nature intended.

I myself have a weird relationship with milk. I have an intolerance to cows milk but do have the occasional goats milk. I'm not convinced we (humans) are designed to drink milk at all after our mothers. The idea of giving my baby something unnatural, unless I had to, was therefore something I didn't want to do when he was so little. 

That is until he starts teething, which is perhaps natures way of saying that he shouldn't be guzzling at my boobs for much longer! 

Although I knew that I wanted to breastfeed, the idea of a baby suckling at my sensitive, big boobs wasn't appealing. I was really unsure if I'd be able to get used to the feeling and was half expecting to give in at the first hurdle. Added to which, the copious amounts of stories about the baby not latching on properly and causing bleeding and bruising petrified me. Formula was always going to be a good alternative if I needed.

Because of these stories, preparing for breastfeeding became my main focus in pregnancy. It was the initial reason for attending NCT classes and my main reading topic. I am pleased to say that my research and determination has paid off (for now!).

I decided not to buy any emergency formula so that I wasn't able to give up easily. I ensured that I had the support of my husband and that we together would set out to try to make it work. In my head, if the baby was hungry and my colostrum had come in, surely there would be a way for him to feed. As a back up there was always a 24hr asda not far away in the worst case scenario!

Latching on:

While in hospital I struggled to latch the baby on, but with the help of the F.A.B. breastfeeding specialists and lots of different positions I managed to successfully feed. The research I did really helped as I knew instantly whether the pain I was feeling was normal or due to him not being latched on properly, because of the positioning of his chin and lower lip. 

As he was so sleepy on the first day, there weren't many issues as he didn't require much, so although I wasn't fully confident, we went home knowing that I had fed him and therefore should be able to feed him again.

The first night was difficult as the positions that had worked in hospital weren't working as well at home. I managed to feed lying on my side with him lying next to me, but then that wouldn't work the next time, I'd try the cross-cradle, but that wouldn't work again, rugby ball hold, same again and so on. 

He was also sicking up lots of mucus, which he would have swallowed during the birth, so over the first 36 hours or so he wasn't taking much down until he'd got rid of that. 

The midwife came the following day and I was really anxious. Although he had taken some colostrum it felt like he wasn't able to take all of the colostrum that he needed. Because you can't tell how much colostrum/milk breastfed babies are taking, the anxieties are heightened. 

The midwife helped position him and reassured me that the positions I was using and the latch were right, but discovered that he had tongue tie which could be restricting him. Because of this we hand expressed some colostrum and fed him with a small spoon to ensure that I knew how to do this if he wouldn't latch when the midwife wasn't around. 

The midwife meanwhile referred him to have the tongue tie snipped, which can take up to 10 days. (More of that in another post).

Later that morning one of the F.A.B. specialists popped round to see how I was getting on. She again reassured me that the positioning was perfect and he fed well. She also reminded me that his stomach was the size of a marble, so it may seem like not much was taken, but he was fine. 

The following day both the midwife and another F.A.B. lady came. I'd had a successful night of feeding and seemed to have cracked it but accepted their support anyway, as I was taking things feed by feed. The F.A.B. lady gave me a great tip to help him breath through his nose, which was to lift his legs high to ensure he was horizontal. The lady in the hospital had said to use a hand on the boob, but that had actually been hindering the latch, without me realising. Each woman has tips on what has worked for them and others they know, so it pays to accept all advice, whether or not it works for you. 

So, thanks to the incredible support of the F.A.B. breastfeeding charity and my midwife and husband, we cracked the first stage - colostrum, which meant that no matter what came next, he'd had the most beneficial first feeds. 

what's in a name?

Choosing a name for a child is a pretty huge thing! I had romantic ideas of names with meanings, using a family name as a middle name and a specific reason for the first name. What we've actually done is simply go with names we both love. 

Adi and I chose the name Hugo for a boy before we knew the gender. We had gone through lists and had a few options for girls, but Hugo was the only real contender for a boy. We like names that are intended to be names, but that aren't too popular. I've loved having the name Sasha as I've always been the only one throughout my life. As unusual names are becoming the norm it's more and more difficult to find a name that hasn't been used by a friend or relative. 

It's also hard to find a name without knowing somebody with it, which can affect how you view the name. I think this is the main reason I love 'Hugo' - because I don't personally know anyone called Hugo. The only things that come to my mind are a friends older brother, the Scorsese film, Victor Hugo and an ex cast-member of Made in Chelsea. It's safe to say he's not named after any of them, but if I had to choose one it'd be the author Victor Hugo for my love of Les Mis!

Once we knew the gender we were certain he would be Hugo and were able to refer to him by his name between each other. It helped to create a little personality in our heads and imagine him as a person growing inside of me. 

The next question was a middle name. Adi doesn't have a middle name but I do. I was determined for Hugo to have one and ideally would have liked a family name, but Adi wanted him to follow his tradition of no middle name. During one conversation Adi said 'George' and it just fit, instantly we both knew it worked and that was it. We'd both loved the name George, but as it is very popular, especially after the birth of Prince George, we decided it could never be a first name. It felt solid as a middle name, to balance Hugo which is more quirky. 

When choosing the name, not only did I check it went with our surname Pauley, (a lot of 'e' and 'y' endings were out of the equation) but I also checked it went with various professions so that no matter where life takes him, the name would suit. So, could he be doctor Hugo, builder Hugo, cricketer Hugo or something else - I think anything works because he will become his name and have a personality that goes with it!

introducing Hugo

I can't quite believe that my son, Hugo George Pauley, was born 12 days ago. It feels like I've known every little minute part of him forever. I understand him and he knows who I am, responding to my voice. We have of course been creating a bond for 9 months, but I didn't really feel the bond with him fully until he was born. He's completely content with both Adi and I and there is a trust between us all, our little family.

The moment I looked down and saw him for the first time was indescribable. He didn't seem real and I couldn't believe just how tiny and delicate he was, yet at the same time how he could fit inside of me. It's a crazy feeling that we created him, a real human being! I thought I would cry, but I often don't in happy emotional situations. I just had an overwhelming feeling of love and protection and was on cloud nine, knowing that he was perfectly healthy.

Looking at him was like I'd known him forever. I wouldn't change a tiny detail and he was just perfect. He has a good head of hair which looks like it has been styled, neat ears, a cute button nose and long curly eyelashes like his father. His lip folds underneath with full lips like his dad's too. He's tall with strong hands and long legs ready to be filled out. His complexion is just peachy and he has a dimple forming on his right cheek - although perhaps not to rival mine. In every way he's just edible - a word that Adi doesn't like but many agree with me is normal as he's just scrumptious.

You can't help but try to compare him to Adi, myself and other family members - he's a little mini-Adi at the moment, but I can't wait to watch his features develop and see who Hugo becomes.

Date of birth: 22nd March 2014

Time: 5.03pm

Location: Pinderfields Hospital, Wakefield

Weight: 6lb11oz

doctor's check

first change at home

ready to go home

sleep dreams

As a little girl I'd often refuse to get out of bed to go to school. Partly because some of the girls could be mean, but mainly because I have never been a morning person. This has continued through to adulthood and Adi is well accustomed to getting nothing out of me aside from an occasional grunt each morning until I've come round.

Not only am I not a morning person, but I also require a good 9+ hours sleep a night. I sometimes go into panic mode if I've stayed up too late, knowing that I can't cope on much less. 

Luckily I slept pretty well throughout the pregnancy without too many middle of the night loo trips, but the tiredness was like nothing I'd felt before. I was told that it would be so much worse when the baby was born, so fear set in. Every parent I spoke to would tease me about the sleepless nights and it was my main worry about becoming a mum!

It's very early days I know, but I am totally in awe of my body and feel I need to give pregnant women some hope. The hormones produced by the body after birth allow you to cope with next to nothing and short stints really do get you through. 

If someone had shown me my sleep diary before getting pregnant I would have had a panic attack and possibly delayed motherhood! For the first week I had no more than 4.5 hours sleep a day in stints of 30mins - 2 hours. I've since managed to increase this to about 7 hours over the day, and I sometimes manage 3 hours at a time. 

I am tired, very tired and I brace myself each night before bed, longing for a good 8 hour stint, (I'd take half that right now) but I'm still in a happy phase as I'm coping and my body is helping me. 

I'm taking each day as it comes and I know that this will change as he goes through various different stages, (notably teething) but while these hormones are helping, I'm one happy, if sleep-deprived mummy/ feeding station.

To petrified mums-to-be, trust your body, we're designed to do this. Just remember to invest in some good concealer.

sleepy mummy and Hugo, second night

and they lived happily ever after

Today is three years since Adi proposed. We had been talking about our future and knew that we wanted a family, Adi had just turned 30 and it seemed like a pivotal moment.

In the last three years we've paid off debt, saved and paid for a wedding, saved and bought a house and had a beautiful baby boy. Although we hadn't known at the time where we would end up and exactly how we'd make it all happen, somehow we've achieved the three things we prioritised.

The last three years have been tough both financially and emotionally. It will continue to be tough until I secure a job and I still yearn for London. But because we've worked hard to make it happen and have done it all ourselves, it feels even more rewarding.

I now can't wait to enjoy what we have and live the life we've created together.  

toasting our engagement

final weeks as two heartbeats

Yesterday was supposedly my due date. Although only 5% of babies are born on this day it's still a very odd feeling to count down to something for 40 weeks for absolutely nothing to happen!

I finished work a month ago. Had I not been moving into a new house in a new city I would've worked longer, but that said, the tiredness in pregnancy has been like nothing I've experienced before and I think my body has appreciated a rest. I've had the house to focus on which made the first few weeks go by very quickly, but I'm starting to get a little fed up, rattling around in the house on my own.

I had wonderful ideas of spending this time putting together photo albums, sorting through music, reading, watching box sets such as breaking bad, getting crafty with leftover fabric, exploring my new area, baking and generally being productive, but endless episodes of Kirstie and Phil's house programmes, afternoon naps and sorting the house/ cleaning (?!) have been more the reality. 

My current state of mind is being in limbo. I don't feel able to go more than half an hour from home just in case these Braxton Hicks contractions turn into the real deal and I'm not venturing out much, if at all on my own. For the last couple of weeks I have thought everything is a sign. I'm constantly googling what something could mean. This means that every night I'm sure labour will start because of a 'sign' I've had, so every morning I wake with disappointment that I'm not in pain or in a pool of 'water'! On the upside I'm quickly able to remind myself that I've had another good nights sleep, something which I'm told will soon be a distant memory.

I'm not too worried about trying to induce labour, but the sooner he arrives the smaller he will be and induction isn't as appealing because I'd like the most natural birth possible. I'm also ready to just get on with it and let the baby teach me what I need to know rather than thinking too much about what I should know! Contractions have been much stronger over the last week and I've had a few crampy feelings similar to period pains, so with any luck he won't be too much longer.. 

maternity modelling

Adi's oldest friend Sam is a photographer in his spare time. He was keen to take some maternity shots to try out some new ideas on me, so came over a couple of weeks ago for the day with his lovely wife and kids in tow.

I have to say that the idea of getting my belly out isn't something I'm used to. Like my mum says, I've never had a flat stomach, even when I did a lot of dancing I always had a somewhat rotund belly. I think for that reason I decided to go for it, because I was actually proud of my bump and for once in my life didn't care what it looked like, just what was in it!

Sam set up a studio in our living room to begin with and we started with a few shots in casual clothes. I was pretty nervous to begin with, not helped with a new haircut that I wasn't too pleased with, but Sam has a way of making you laugh and putting you at ease.

Before I knew it I was walking about in one of Adi's shirts, with a boob tube as a skirt, climbing in to the loft in the search of an old tutu (inspired by a photo on pinterest). We had fun recreating some shots that we'd found and although I'm not one for props and gimmicks, some of them turned out to be my favourites.

 

After the indoor shots Adi returned from work and we went for a walk along the river near to our house to get some of us both. These are much more my normal style and will be a great memory of us enjoying the bump. Have a look at Sam's website for some more shots, I've also been informed that there will be more to come so watch this space!

It was a lovely day and great to spend time with friends who we didn't see much of while living down south. Not to mention the parenting lessons we learned on the day - it's safe to say I slept solidly that night!