bottle feeding - the guilt

It took a while to settle into bottle feeding. There are lots of hassles as you can't simply put the baby to the boob and have an instantly satisfied baby! Instead there were the dos and don't of making up bottles to get my head around - how to heat them up, whether to keep them in a fridge in advance, use of a microwave, taking bottles out with me, sterilising, which formula to use, and so on, all while looking out for new signals of hunger to prevent unnecessary crying! 

I'd just settled in to it when I had a wave I guilt over me. At the mums and babies group some mums were breastfeeding babies older than Hugo. Although some were also bottle feeding, I just felt disappointed in myself. I hated sitting there bottle feeding and was thinking that I should have carried on and persevered. It wasn't as bad for me as for some people and looking back I had thoughts that I could've made it work. I was also thinking that it would've got easier, which is possibly true, but how could I ever know?!

The truth is yes I could perhaps have persevered, but would I have been happy? Would I have even made it to that group if I was as tired as I had been? Probably not. I wouldn't have had as many happy times as I've had I'm sure.

Before I breastfed I hadn't quite realised just how much is would stop me from doing as much. Not because I was afraid to breastfeed in public, I truly mastered that, but because of such frequent, long and tiring feeds.

I breastfed that night thinking I'd start it up again, but was instantly reminded of the reasons that I'd stopped. My boobs were very sore and starting to bleed, my arms were incredibly achy from trying to hold him in position to get a good latch, and he simply wasn't as satisfied as with a bottle and wanted another feed straight away.

Instead I thought I'd try to get as much expressed milk as possible so that I could at least be happy that he was getting breast milk. I borrowed a friends electric pump, but couldn't get as much as I did with a manual and realised that even with the manual I was getting a lot less than before. I'd just been so busy that my supply had diminished as I hadn't been able to keep on top of expressing.

So, to cut it short, my breast milk has pretty much dried up. I feel very frustrated at myself as I so wanted to breastfeed for longer, but I need to think of the positives and the healthy, happy little boy I have.

breastfeeding - the gush

Just when I thought I'd cracked the colostrum, the baby had to re-learn everything when the milk came in as the density of my boobs and feel of the nipple changed. It was an incredibly difficult night, for hours no matter what I did, he could not latch.

The feeling of not being able to feed your baby, when you can see they are hungry is awful and incredibly frustrating. It tests your limits. I think Adi was ready to crack and if we'd had formula in the house we'd definitely have used it, but I'm so glad we persevered. I rang the F.A.B. helpline and they reassured me that I was doing everything I could and it was probably the tongue tie, which made Adi and I consider snipping it ourselves! 

In the end Adi was able to take the baby and calm him while I used a hand express pump (invaluable) to express some of the milk, which helped to soften them as they were rock solid, and get the flow going. I also had a sleep which gave me the energy to try again. When I did Hugo latched on straight away and fed well. To help me and Hugo, I was very conscious to remain calm and keep my heartbeat steady even when he was struggling and I was exhausted. Having the support of a partner was invaluable, as he simply wouldn't have settled had I not been able to pass him over away from the smell of milk at times.

I kept massaging the boobs between feeds to loosen them as they were hard and lumpy, and fed little and often (on demand) which helped to establish the milk supply. This stage was the most painful, but only the pain that all women experience as their milk is 'letting down'. 

Then, just as we thought we'd cracked the milk, it would appear that my body was just teasing. The milk comes in gradually and each feed is different from the one before. Suddenly my boobs were less hard and lumpy and just huge and soft, full of milk which was leaking everywhere! The milk flow was far too fast and too much for baby to cope with! I used the hand pump to express to help get rid of the access fluid to make it easier for Hugo.  For a good few feeds we seemed to have cracked it with me expressing a little before if I felt the boob needed releasing.

Finally, the milk flow settled and he got used to feeding without me needing to express before. By the end of the first week I was still taking it a feed at a time, but he was latching well and the milk supply had settled. 

breastfeeding - the colostrum

Just like my desire to have a natural birth, I had a real desire to breastfeed. Formula is a wonderful substitute for those who are unable to breastfeed, but if possible, I wanted to do what nature intended.

I myself have a weird relationship with milk. I have an intolerance to cows milk but do have the occasional goats milk. I'm not convinced we (humans) are designed to drink milk at all after our mothers. The idea of giving my baby something unnatural, unless I had to, was therefore something I didn't want to do when he was so little. 

That is until he starts teething, which is perhaps natures way of saying that he shouldn't be guzzling at my boobs for much longer! 

Although I knew that I wanted to breastfeed, the idea of a baby suckling at my sensitive, big boobs wasn't appealing. I was really unsure if I'd be able to get used to the feeling and was half expecting to give in at the first hurdle. Added to which, the copious amounts of stories about the baby not latching on properly and causing bleeding and bruising petrified me. Formula was always going to be a good alternative if I needed.

Because of these stories, preparing for breastfeeding became my main focus in pregnancy. It was the initial reason for attending NCT classes and my main reading topic. I am pleased to say that my research and determination has paid off (for now!).

I decided not to buy any emergency formula so that I wasn't able to give up easily. I ensured that I had the support of my husband and that we together would set out to try to make it work. In my head, if the baby was hungry and my colostrum had come in, surely there would be a way for him to feed. As a back up there was always a 24hr asda not far away in the worst case scenario!

Latching on:

While in hospital I struggled to latch the baby on, but with the help of the F.A.B. breastfeeding specialists and lots of different positions I managed to successfully feed. The research I did really helped as I knew instantly whether the pain I was feeling was normal or due to him not being latched on properly, because of the positioning of his chin and lower lip. 

As he was so sleepy on the first day, there weren't many issues as he didn't require much, so although I wasn't fully confident, we went home knowing that I had fed him and therefore should be able to feed him again.

The first night was difficult as the positions that had worked in hospital weren't working as well at home. I managed to feed lying on my side with him lying next to me, but then that wouldn't work the next time, I'd try the cross-cradle, but that wouldn't work again, rugby ball hold, same again and so on. 

He was also sicking up lots of mucus, which he would have swallowed during the birth, so over the first 36 hours or so he wasn't taking much down until he'd got rid of that. 

The midwife came the following day and I was really anxious. Although he had taken some colostrum it felt like he wasn't able to take all of the colostrum that he needed. Because you can't tell how much colostrum/milk breastfed babies are taking, the anxieties are heightened. 

The midwife helped position him and reassured me that the positions I was using and the latch were right, but discovered that he had tongue tie which could be restricting him. Because of this we hand expressed some colostrum and fed him with a small spoon to ensure that I knew how to do this if he wouldn't latch when the midwife wasn't around. 

The midwife meanwhile referred him to have the tongue tie snipped, which can take up to 10 days. (More of that in another post).

Later that morning one of the F.A.B. specialists popped round to see how I was getting on. She again reassured me that the positioning was perfect and he fed well. She also reminded me that his stomach was the size of a marble, so it may seem like not much was taken, but he was fine. 

The following day both the midwife and another F.A.B. lady came. I'd had a successful night of feeding and seemed to have cracked it but accepted their support anyway, as I was taking things feed by feed. The F.A.B. lady gave me a great tip to help him breath through his nose, which was to lift his legs high to ensure he was horizontal. The lady in the hospital had said to use a hand on the boob, but that had actually been hindering the latch, without me realising. Each woman has tips on what has worked for them and others they know, so it pays to accept all advice, whether or not it works for you. 

So, thanks to the incredible support of the F.A.B. breastfeeding charity and my midwife and husband, we cracked the first stage - colostrum, which meant that no matter what came next, he'd had the most beneficial first feeds. 

what's in a name?

Choosing a name for a child is a pretty huge thing! I had romantic ideas of names with meanings, using a family name as a middle name and a specific reason for the first name. What we've actually done is simply go with names we both love. 

Adi and I chose the name Hugo for a boy before we knew the gender. We had gone through lists and had a few options for girls, but Hugo was the only real contender for a boy. We like names that are intended to be names, but that aren't too popular. I've loved having the name Sasha as I've always been the only one throughout my life. As unusual names are becoming the norm it's more and more difficult to find a name that hasn't been used by a friend or relative. 

It's also hard to find a name without knowing somebody with it, which can affect how you view the name. I think this is the main reason I love 'Hugo' - because I don't personally know anyone called Hugo. The only things that come to my mind are a friends older brother, the Scorsese film, Victor Hugo and an ex cast-member of Made in Chelsea. It's safe to say he's not named after any of them, but if I had to choose one it'd be the author Victor Hugo for my love of Les Mis!

Once we knew the gender we were certain he would be Hugo and were able to refer to him by his name between each other. It helped to create a little personality in our heads and imagine him as a person growing inside of me. 

The next question was a middle name. Adi doesn't have a middle name but I do. I was determined for Hugo to have one and ideally would have liked a family name, but Adi wanted him to follow his tradition of no middle name. During one conversation Adi said 'George' and it just fit, instantly we both knew it worked and that was it. We'd both loved the name George, but as it is very popular, especially after the birth of Prince George, we decided it could never be a first name. It felt solid as a middle name, to balance Hugo which is more quirky. 

When choosing the name, not only did I check it went with our surname Pauley, (a lot of 'e' and 'y' endings were out of the equation) but I also checked it went with various professions so that no matter where life takes him, the name would suit. So, could he be doctor Hugo, builder Hugo, cricketer Hugo or something else - I think anything works because he will become his name and have a personality that goes with it!

introducing Hugo

I can't quite believe that my son, Hugo George Pauley, was born 12 days ago. It feels like I've known every little minute part of him forever. I understand him and he knows who I am, responding to my voice. We have of course been creating a bond for 9 months, but I didn't really feel the bond with him fully until he was born. He's completely content with both Adi and I and there is a trust between us all, our little family.

The moment I looked down and saw him for the first time was indescribable. He didn't seem real and I couldn't believe just how tiny and delicate he was, yet at the same time how he could fit inside of me. It's a crazy feeling that we created him, a real human being! I thought I would cry, but I often don't in happy emotional situations. I just had an overwhelming feeling of love and protection and was on cloud nine, knowing that he was perfectly healthy.

Looking at him was like I'd known him forever. I wouldn't change a tiny detail and he was just perfect. He has a good head of hair which looks like it has been styled, neat ears, a cute button nose and long curly eyelashes like his father. His lip folds underneath with full lips like his dad's too. He's tall with strong hands and long legs ready to be filled out. His complexion is just peachy and he has a dimple forming on his right cheek - although perhaps not to rival mine. In every way he's just edible - a word that Adi doesn't like but many agree with me is normal as he's just scrumptious.

You can't help but try to compare him to Adi, myself and other family members - he's a little mini-Adi at the moment, but I can't wait to watch his features develop and see who Hugo becomes.

Date of birth: 22nd March 2014

Time: 5.03pm

Location: Pinderfields Hospital, Wakefield

Weight: 6lb11oz

doctor's check

first change at home

ready to go home

sleep dreams

As a little girl I'd often refuse to get out of bed to go to school. Partly because some of the girls could be mean, but mainly because I have never been a morning person. This has continued through to adulthood and Adi is well accustomed to getting nothing out of me aside from an occasional grunt each morning until I've come round.

Not only am I not a morning person, but I also require a good 9+ hours sleep a night. I sometimes go into panic mode if I've stayed up too late, knowing that I can't cope on much less. 

Luckily I slept pretty well throughout the pregnancy without too many middle of the night loo trips, but the tiredness was like nothing I'd felt before. I was told that it would be so much worse when the baby was born, so fear set in. Every parent I spoke to would tease me about the sleepless nights and it was my main worry about becoming a mum!

It's very early days I know, but I am totally in awe of my body and feel I need to give pregnant women some hope. The hormones produced by the body after birth allow you to cope with next to nothing and short stints really do get you through. 

If someone had shown me my sleep diary before getting pregnant I would have had a panic attack and possibly delayed motherhood! For the first week I had no more than 4.5 hours sleep a day in stints of 30mins - 2 hours. I've since managed to increase this to about 7 hours over the day, and I sometimes manage 3 hours at a time. 

I am tired, very tired and I brace myself each night before bed, longing for a good 8 hour stint, (I'd take half that right now) but I'm still in a happy phase as I'm coping and my body is helping me. 

I'm taking each day as it comes and I know that this will change as he goes through various different stages, (notably teething) but while these hormones are helping, I'm one happy, if sleep-deprived mummy/ feeding station.

To petrified mums-to-be, trust your body, we're designed to do this. Just remember to invest in some good concealer.

sleepy mummy and Hugo, second night

my birth story

For some reason I seem to enjoy going over the birth in my head and aloud to anyone who shows the slightest bit of interest. I think it's part of my body's way of coming to terms with the huge ordeal and reflecting on what it's just been through.

I may regret this post, but for now I've decided that writing everything down may help me to prepare for future births and for my friends and others to have a true step by step account of what I consider to be the best possible birth I could've hoped for.

I would certainly not consider myself an 'earth mother', however I do feel that going with nature makes sense. On the other hand, I also think evolution is wonderful and we as humans have made things easier and safer for ourselves, so it would be silly to (as an example) turn down medical help, just as it would be to turn down pain relief if I felt I needed it. 

The birth 'plan'

The more research I did prior to childbirth, through NCT classes, reading and watching One Born Every Minute, the more I realised that the best way to handle it was to not have a birth 'plan' but a birth 'wish list' and for Adi to be aware of it, so that he would be able to manage the situation and allow me to get in the zone and focus on labour.

It went something like this:

- to stay at home until it's recommended to go into hospital when contractions are 5cm apart
- to make myself comfortable at home, using the bed and having a bath

- to try to cope on Gas and Air, avoiding drugs that transfer to the baby and an epidural so that I am able to push instinctively

- to have a water birth to ease the pain and have a calming affect on me and the baby

- to push on all fours, to work with gravity and be close to the floor, rather than on my back on a bed

- to opt for the injection to release the placenta - the only part of modern intervention that I felt made sense as it reduces the risk of infection and allow me to bond better with the baby immediately

- to dim the lights and be in a darkened room without invasive and migraine inducing hospital lighting

- to be cool, using a wet flannel, water spray and fan

- for the midwife to talk as little as possible and for Adi to be assertive if the midwife was frustrating me!

- to have the option of my mum in the room, but not if it didn't feel right

- if something happened that meant that the baby and I had to be separated, for Adi to stay with baby and for mum to stay with me
- to have skin on skin ASAP after the birth and to try feeding as soon as possible

The birth 

Stage one

4pm, Friday 21st March: The contractions I'd been feeling over the previous few days were now strong enough and low enough for me to begin timing them. I was sure things were progressing and had joked with family that he would be born on the 22nd (the date of my dad and brothers birthday's). My body must have known, as my thoughts were different to all of the false alarms and thoughts that I'd had previously, I was more certain. The contractions stopped after a couple of hours, but I was still sure things were moving in the right direction.

7pm: Adi and I set off to his parents for fish and chips.

7.06pm: I felt a fairly strong contraction in the car unlike those I'd felt over the previous couple of days. Instinctively I knew that was the start and put it in my contraction timer app.

7.45pm: I felt the next contraction at Adi's parents, from this point onwards they began to come faster, but sporadic, between 30 minutes and 10 minutes apart. They weren't painful but they would stop me in my tracks and I had to stand up to walk around during one or two. 

21.25pm: We left Adi's parents and I called my mum and dad to let them know that things had started.

10.15pm: I had a bath and contractions continued but were slowing down.

11.30pm: I called the hospital to tell them that contractions were every 6-10 minutes apart, they told me to take paracetamol and wait until they were 3cm apart to go to hospital. As we'd always been told to wait until 5 minutes apart this was added stress for both Adi and I, as we were unsure when exactly to go in. The midwife said to have a bath and take paracetamol. 

11.35pm: We rang my parents to tell them that it was definitely labour so that they could set off. We decided that they should both come and could sleep in the spare room should the labour slow down.

12pm: Adi put the tens machine on me to try and relieve the pain of contractions and have it on for when they got more painful. It made no difference whatsoever and so we took it off a while later. 

1.30am: My parents arrived. We all decided to go upstairs to try and sleep in-between contractions.

2am: As soon as my head hit the pillow the contractions began to get unbearable. I was shaking uncontrollably and rolling around the bed. Adi had to start counting through each contractions for me, which really helped me to focus on getting through one at a time and knowing that the pain wasn't going to last much longer.

2.14am: I rang the hospital again to ask to go in as I was really struggling, but they said not to go until contractions were closer together or if my waters had broke (which I didn't think had). At that point they were sporadic, but between 5 and 10 mins apart. At this point I had a couple of paracetamol.

Almost as soon as I'd got off the phone they started coming faster and were between 4 and 5 minutes apart. I should have used my instincts but as the midwife had said not to go in I didn't. I also lost track of the timings because I was focused on just getting through each contraction.

3am: Contractions had been 4 minutes apart from the previous phone call and I'd just had one 2 minutes from the last. I went to the loo and had a tiny bit of blood on the tissue. I shouted to Adi that it was time to go and the next contraction came after 2 minues again.

*Just a reminder that Adi was still counting up to 60 during every contraction! Sometimes it didn't feel like they were coming to an end quick enough, so I'd count quicker and at one point it got up to 78 seconds. I just waved my arm as a signal or grunted for him to start and stop - speech wasn't easy at this point.

3.22am: It had taken us some time to get me into the car and comfortable. I called the hospital from the car, having set off a couple of minutes earlier. Dad was in the back of our car ready to take me in while Adi parked and mum was in her own car following.

3.33am: We arrived at the hospital and I stopped timing the contractions on my app. They were still approximately every 2 minutes.

the last contractions on my app

Adi dropped us off at the main entrance and went to park. Dad walked me up to the labour ward. That walk felt like miles, there were no wheelchairs available, no one on reception and I'd never been to the labour suite before. Luckily a nurse was returning from her break and was able to guide us. I had to stop walking for each contraction and get as close to the floor as possible, which I knew was a sign that things were quite far along. 

When we got into the labour reception I was put in a wheelchair and taken to be examined. Dad left the room and Adi arrived just after. Mum also came in but in no uncertain terms I shouted 'get out' - I obviously hadn't completely lost my dignity at that point!

I was straight away given gas and air which was the first real relief I'd felt. I definitely could have used that earlier, in hindsight waiting until contractions were 2 minutes apart was too long, but I was determined to follow the advice of the midwife and not arrive at the hospital too soon.

The midwife examined me and said that I was 8cm and my waters had broken (which is a mystery!). I said 'thank fuck' as I knew I hadn't got much more to go and felt like it was coming to an end!

I asked for a water birth but was told that the pool hadn't been cleaned from the previous birth. Instead they ran me a bath. Mum said that the midwife didn't even check to see if the pool was ready as I was too far along at that point and almost ready to push. 

They also asked about pain relief but I said if I'd managed to get to 8cm without anything, I felt able to cope on gas and air for the birth. Soon after I got up to say I needed the loo but the midwife said that was a sign that I needed to start pushing.

Stage two
Adi asked for the lights to be dimmed and I asked to be on all fours. The midwife set up the matt and beanbag on the floor. Adi was at my head with a flannel to cool me down and the midwife sat quietly behind me, occassionally using the Doppler to check the babies heart and talking if I needed to know something. She said to just go with what my body was telling me. 

When the pushing stage started she asked me not to use the gas and air and forewarned me that it would burn. Although it was burning, it was almost a relief that I could push and the pain had changed. 

I was now using the flannel as a bit in my mouth to scream in to and grabbing the beanbag to try and hold on to something. I also held one leg in the air (like a dog peeing) as it felt like I was opening as wide as I could and helping the baby out. Adi helped hold my leg up at one point and was almost covered in mucus (quickly wiped away by the nurse!) I also asked him to tie my hair back but that was a bit too much for him (!) - it did prove useful to hold on to it though. 

I was much louder than I'd imagined, screaming deeply with animalistic sounds. I went into a completely instinctive state to scream out the pain.

There were points that I didn't feel able to cope much more, but the midwife was encouraging as she could see the baby's head (she mentioned dark hair) and had told me not to panic when she could see me starting to lose it which snapped me back into focus.

At 5.02am the baby's head was out, the next few seconds felt like an eternity, until my next contraction where I was able to push his body was finally out at 5.03am.
bnbnbn

skin to skin immediately after the birth

Stage three
The baby was laid in-between my legs, on one side, slightly bluefish in colour. There was no noise until the midwife had removed the cord that was around his neck and even then only a tiny whimpery cry.

At that point I just wanted to be on the bed with the cord gone and have skin on skin contact with the baby. It felt odd having the cord dangling in-between my legs. Adi didn't want to cut the cord and nor did I so we asked the midwife to cut it and help me on to the bed with baby.

The delivery of the placenta was almost as difficult as the birth. I used gas and air to get through it, which took the midwife some time as it didn't want to detach. I'm so glad I had the injection to remove it when I did, it allowed me to breath a sigh of relief, hold my baby and be left in peace for some time.

final weeks as two heartbeats

Yesterday was supposedly my due date. Although only 5% of babies are born on this day it's still a very odd feeling to count down to something for 40 weeks for absolutely nothing to happen!

I finished work a month ago. Had I not been moving into a new house in a new city I would've worked longer, but that said, the tiredness in pregnancy has been like nothing I've experienced before and I think my body has appreciated a rest. I've had the house to focus on which made the first few weeks go by very quickly, but I'm starting to get a little fed up, rattling around in the house on my own.

I had wonderful ideas of spending this time putting together photo albums, sorting through music, reading, watching box sets such as breaking bad, getting crafty with leftover fabric, exploring my new area, baking and generally being productive, but endless episodes of Kirstie and Phil's house programmes, afternoon naps and sorting the house/ cleaning (?!) have been more the reality. 

My current state of mind is being in limbo. I don't feel able to go more than half an hour from home just in case these Braxton Hicks contractions turn into the real deal and I'm not venturing out much, if at all on my own. For the last couple of weeks I have thought everything is a sign. I'm constantly googling what something could mean. This means that every night I'm sure labour will start because of a 'sign' I've had, so every morning I wake with disappointment that I'm not in pain or in a pool of 'water'! On the upside I'm quickly able to remind myself that I've had another good nights sleep, something which I'm told will soon be a distant memory.

I'm not too worried about trying to induce labour, but the sooner he arrives the smaller he will be and induction isn't as appealing because I'd like the most natural birth possible. I'm also ready to just get on with it and let the baby teach me what I need to know rather than thinking too much about what I should know! Contractions have been much stronger over the last week and I've had a few crampy feelings similar to period pains, so with any luck he won't be too much longer.. 

maternity modelling

Adi's oldest friend Sam is a photographer in his spare time. He was keen to take some maternity shots to try out some new ideas on me, so came over a couple of weeks ago for the day with his lovely wife and kids in tow.

I have to say that the idea of getting my belly out isn't something I'm used to. Like my mum says, I've never had a flat stomach, even when I did a lot of dancing I always had a somewhat rotund belly. I think for that reason I decided to go for it, because I was actually proud of my bump and for once in my life didn't care what it looked like, just what was in it!

Sam set up a studio in our living room to begin with and we started with a few shots in casual clothes. I was pretty nervous to begin with, not helped with a new haircut that I wasn't too pleased with, but Sam has a way of making you laugh and putting you at ease.

Before I knew it I was walking about in one of Adi's shirts, with a boob tube as a skirt, climbing in to the loft in the search of an old tutu (inspired by a photo on pinterest). We had fun recreating some shots that we'd found and although I'm not one for props and gimmicks, some of them turned out to be my favourites.

 

After the indoor shots Adi returned from work and we went for a walk along the river near to our house to get some of us both. These are much more my normal style and will be a great memory of us enjoying the bump. Have a look at Sam's website for some more shots, I've also been informed that there will be more to come so watch this space!

It was a lovely day and great to spend time with friends who we didn't see much of while living down south. Not to mention the parenting lessons we learned on the day - it's safe to say I slept solidly that night!